There is a chapter in my book Stop Being a Bitch and Get a Boyfriend called: Dumb Bitch
And while that might seem harsh, I'm the first to admit, that I've been there and done that. That chapter was born out of the frustration that I feel when I see so many amazing women making really dumb decisions when it comes to love and dating. I get calls, I get emails and usually, it goes something like this:
Gina, I just can't leave him or Gina, I can't get over my ex....then followed by: he is very abusive, he wouldn't marry me, he has a very bad temper, he won't commit, he cheated, he is controlled by his mother, he can't keep a job....and the list goes on.
The two things on this list that really gets me fired up the most, is a woman who "can't leave or get over" the the guy who is abusive or a cheater! Listen up ladies, you are so LUCKY not to be stuck with that loser any more!! You should be thanking the heavens, doing an Irish jig and celebrating like a rock star. Do you know how many women (or men) NEVER get out of those situations?
Let me share a story with you about a guy I lived with years a go.
I LOVED him!!! We had great sex, great chemistry, and we were like two peas in a pod. A VERY dysfunctional pod, that is. He was very cute, very charming, perfect body (and body parts), he had great style and loved to cook out on our deck over looking the ocean. Sounds great right? Well, there are always two sides to every coin. And on the other side of this coin was a guy who when I met him, was in a relationship someone and he broke up with her to be with me. And I thought nothing of it, (I was 24 at the time and a little clueless) I just knew we had a magical connection, that was undeniable. So I went with it and chose to believe that he was a great guy. I ignored that first red flag and then there were other unattractive character traits that started to surface as we went along, but again, I chose to ignore them. In truth, he was mentally abusive, manipulative, irresponsible and completely selfish. However, those things didn't matter to me, because of all of the other great things about him: cute, charming, stylish, cool, sexy, fun. He had all of the superficial traits I was looking for, so I was willing to over look everything else. As many women before me had and as many women after me have continued to do. To make a long story short, eventually we were like oil and water and I'm not going to say it was all him, it takes two to tango. But it should not have shocked and devastated me when, while we were still living together, he broke up with me over the phone by telling me that he was moving in with another girl, and proceeded to have his friend break into our apartment when I wasn't home and move all of his things out. This is who he REALLY was and I knew that. I knew from the beginning he had broken up with the other girl for me and he did it in a cowardly fashion and I knew that every decision he ever made, was based on how it could benefit him. That is who he was, but that person is who I refused to see. Until he did it to me. Oh I cried and I cried and I even begged him to come back and in the months that followed I hung on to that mind trick: "But, I LOVE him".
Now, let me tell you the rest of the story. He moved in with the new girl, got her pregnant right away, then went on to have two kids with her, never married her and right after their second child was born he left her for another woman. How do I know this? Well, I stumbled upon her blog recently and she is a brilliant writer and often chronicles her struggles as a single mom who was left high and dry by a deadbeat and she blogs about her life and current struggles living in a shady part of Hollywood, with two kids, just trying to make ends meet. When I read her blog, I thought: that could have been me, it would have been me. But, thank God it's not. Yes, back in the 90's it took me several months to get over him, but once I did that was it. And I thank my lucky stars often. These days, I wouldn't even know him and he wouldn't know me, I'm light years away from that girl who though that I could transform a loser into a good guy.
So, what is the moral of the story? Well, there are several.
- NEVER over-look someone's character, even if they have a few redeeming traits, it doesn't ever trump someone's true character.
- Get out sooner rather than later, before it ruins your life.
- Just remember, you WILL get over him (or her) and I PROMISE, you will be so much happier down the road.
- A leopard cannot change his spots.
- A loser is just a loser no matter no matter how hopeful you are for their redemption.
- Being a dumb bitch only has to be a temporary situation.