I recently got an email and I'd like to share it here because I feel this is an important topic that isn't talked bout very much. We'll begin with her letter:
I have two questions and they are related to alcohol. I stopped drinking almost two years ago for personal reasons but I don't subscribe to a "no-alcohol in my home or life" mentality. My family drinks, my friends drink, there is wine and alcohol in my kitchen and I don't have a problem with men I date drinking. My first question is, do you think it's okay for me to put "social drinker" rather than "never" on my profile? I feel like saying "never" makes me look like I'm not fun or that I'm judgmental. I worry that this is dishonest, but I really feel like saying "never" limits the amount of men who would be interested in a date.
I usually try to do coffee or lunch on a first date so that I can order an iced tea or non-alcoholic drink without raising any questions. Then if there is any chemistry and there's a second date, maybe dinner, I explain that I stopped drinking. That brings me to my second question. I don't think it's appropriate to get into the reasons behind my decision to not drink with someone I barely know, I just say "it doesn't agree with me." Do you think that is the right way to handle it? I was never a violent or belligerent drunk and I don't have a trail of wreckage that I'm trying to hide, but I know people can make any kind of assumption. My experience so far has been that older men don't mind me not drinking, but younger men (in their 30's) are a little put off. My approach right now is to just try and let my personality speak for itself but any advice you have would be appreciated.
I'm very glad you asked, this is an issue that is rarely talked about. And as I get older I realize that people don't need to know all of our personal details and your truth is your truth, they don't need access to any information that won't affect them or harm them. People like to judge other people, especially when you're dating. They want to size you up, figure out what's wrong with you and then they're off to the next person. So, the fact that you stopped drinking (first of all I applaud you) is a great thing. You do not have to tell a guy on the first date or even the second. I recommend just avoiding the discussion until you know that you really like the guy and vice versa. If I were you, I would say you gave it up because you wanted to. Say, that you wanted to be healthier and that you feel better than ever, so you're sticking with as long as you can. Period. Even if you end up dating the guy, if I were you, I'd still make that your new truth. Sometimes even saying: "it just didn't agree with me" could be construed as: I get crazy! At least that's how one might take it. And believe me, they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. So don't raise any suspicion, make it no big deal :-)
Reasons why someone would mind, if you don't drink:
- because he can't take advantage of you
- because he wants someone to party with.
If he's a cool guy with good intentions he won't mind that you don't drink.
So that was my reply, but I still want to expand on this subject. I think especially if you're single and dating and going out on a regular basis, usually you're drinking. Drinking is a very big part of socializing. It's hard to go on a date (especially a first date) and not drink. It loosens you up, lightens the evening and can kick some chemistry into gear. But, it can also get in the way of having a clear rational perspective of the person that is sitting across from you. Let's face it, you wouldn't go to a job interview after you'd had a glass of wine? Nor would you want to interview someone for a job, after you've had a glass of wine. Why? Because it will impair your judgment and the way you communicate. It will impair the decisions you make. I think more people should not drink on the first few dates, so they can be at their absolute best. It's scary, I know! But, I do believe that being completely clear and fully present with someone, is really the only way to know for sure if this person is right for you or not. So if finding a meaningful connection is your goal, it's best to be sober and present in every way.
Why Are Men So Angry?--reprinted from The Daily Beast
Men in their twenties and thirties are fed up with women, but author Kay Hymowitz says you can't blame them when women are demanding equality except when it comes to romance.
Men in their twenties and thirties are fed up with women, but author Kay Hymowitz says you can't blame them when women are demanding equality except when it comes to romance. Plus, Jessica Bennett on the modern male's identity crisis.
About a week ago, The Wall Street Journal published an excerpt of my new book, which argued that the new stage I call pre-adulthood—the twenties and early thirties—was not bringing out the best in single young men. Some men didn't like it. As in, "cancel-my-subscription-the-writer-should-contract-such-a-bad-case-of-carpel-tunnel-syndrome-she-never-writes-again" didn't like it.
But a lot of the responses unwittingly proved my point—and another one: Men are really, really angry. Consider: "We're not STUCK in pre-adulthood, we choose it because there aren't any desirable American women. They've been bred to abuse men." This fairly typical response that appeared at the Seattle Post Intelligencer website: "Sorry ladies. In the age of PlayStation 3s, 24-hours-a-day sports channels, and free Internet porn, you are now obsolete. All that nagging, whining, and stealing our hard earned cash have finally caught up to you."
Shocked? I wasn t. During the last few years researching this age group, I've stumbled onto a powerful underground current of male bitterness that has nothing to do with outsourcing, the Mancession, or any of the other issues we usually associate with contemporary male discontent. No, this is bitterness from guys who find the young women they might have hoped to hang out with entitled, dishonest, self-involved, slutty, manipulative, shallow, controlling—and did I mention gold-digging?
Check out the websites like names like MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way), Nomarriage.com, or EternalBachelor.com ("Give Modern Women the Husband They Deserve. None."). Or read popular bloggers like the pseudonymous Roissy, a ferociously caustic dissector of female "sluttiness" and "shit tests" (attempts to manipulate men). There are dozens upon dozens of gurus and counselors who publish posts like "42 Things Wrong With American Women" while chat forums ruminate over how "American Women Suck."
Women may want equality at the conference table and treadmill. But when it comes to sex and dating, they aren't so sure.
So, is this what Susan Faludi famously called the backlash? Is it immaturity, as my own book seems to suggest? Is it the Internet as an escape valve for decades of pent-up rebellion against political correctness? Or, is it just good, old-fashioned misogyny?
A bit of all of the above, probably. But there's another reason for these rants, one that is far less understood. Let's call it gender bait and switch. Never before in history have men been matched up with women who are so much their equal—socially, professionally, and sexually. By the time they reach their twenties, they have years of experience with women as equal competitors—in school, on soccer fields, and even in bed. They very reasonably assume that the women they are meeting at a bar or café or gym are after the same things they are: financial independence, career success, toned triceps, and sex.
That's the bait; here comes the switch. Women may want equality at the conference table and treadmill. But when it comes to sex and dating, they aren't so sure. The might hook up as freely as a Duke athlete. Or, they might want men to play Greatest Generation gentleman. Yes, they want men to pay for dinner, call for dates—a writer at the popular dating website The Frisky titled a recent piece "Call me and ask me out for a damn date!"—and open doors for them. A lot of men wonder: "WTF??!" Why should they do the asking? Why should they pay for dinner? After all, they are equals and in any case, the woman a guy is asking out probably has more cash in her pocket than he does; recent female graduates are making more than males in most large cities.
Sure, girls can—and do—ask guys out for dinner and pick up the check without missing a beat. Women can make that choice. Men say they have no choice. If they want a life, they have to ask women out on dates; they have to initiate conversations at bars and parties, they have to take the lead on sex. Women can take a Chinese menu approach to gender roles. They can be all "Let me pay for the movie tickets" on Friday nights, and "A single rose? That's it?" on Valentine's Day.
Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys By Kay Hymowitz 248 pages. Basic Books. $25.99.
Far worse in the bait and switch category is women's stated preference for nice guys and actual attraction to bad boys. Now, clearly this is not true for all women. Many, maybe even most, want a guy with the sweetness of a Jimmy Stewart and sensitivity of Ashley Wilkes. But enough of them are partial to the Charlie Sheens of this world that one popular dating guru, David DeAngleo, lists "Being Too Much of a Nice Guy" as No. 1 in his "Ten Most Dangerous Mistakes Men Make With Women." At a website with the evocative name Relationshit.com, ("Brutally honest dating advice for the cynical, bitter, and jaded," and sociological cousin of Dating-is-Hell.com) the most highly trafficked pages are those asking the question why women don't like good guys.
PlayStations and Internet porn? For a lot of guys, they seem like the better way.
Kay S. Hymowitz is the William E. Simon Fellow at the Manhattan Institute and a contributing editor of City Journal. Her new book is Manning Up.
"Stop Being a Bitch and Get a Boyfriend" is this year's most honest, straightforward and hilarious relationship advice book.
With years of experience working as a matchmaker for the most eligible bachelors around the world, relationship expert Gina Hendrix holds nothing back in her debut book, "Stop Being a Bitch and Get a Boyfriend" (ISBN 0615571999).
This dynamic relationship advice book lays out for its reader 16 different "bitches" – assigning tongue-in-cheek names to the various archetypal behavior categories that women who self-destruct in relationships tend to fall into. Everything from: the all business bitch to needy bitch to freaky bitch and beyond.
The book is laugh out loud funny and is structured around the question, "Which bitch are you?" and urges its reader to identify what she's been doing wrong. "The way the advice is given is very unique," Hendrix says. "I don't patronize or coddle; I deliver the straight scoop that women need to hear. But, I do it in a funny and real way, similar to what a close friend would want to say, but can't."
Straight scoop is certainly Hendrix's mantra. For each chapter or "bitch" that Hendrix introduces, she shares relevant real-life stories that she has encountered in her life and career. "These are the worst-case scenario versions of each of these destructive behaviors," says Hendrix, "I have seen women do some things that even I couldn't believe!"
Accompanying these anecdotes is a bounty of sound advice from Hendrix, who clearly has compassion for the women she's trying to help. Hendrix dispenses her words of wisdom in a way that is relatable, lively and funny, but is ultimately constructive, informative and very worthwhile.
"Stop Being a Bitch and Get a Boyfriend" is available for sale online at Amazon.com and other channels.
About the Author: Gina Hendrix is a highly regarded personal matchmaker. Her clients are some of the most eligible men in Hollywood and around the world. She is often regarded as the "Billionaire Matchmaker." Hendrix is the founder of Exclusive Introductions, an ultra premium matchmaking service located in Los Angeles. In addition to matchmaking, Hendrix has a weekly radio show called "Beyond Beautiful," where she has candid conversations with the world's most beautiful and intriguing women about life, love and the pursuit of happiness.
Phone: (310) 293-9203
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