There is a chapter in my book Stop Being a Bitch and Get a Boyfriend called: Dumb Bitch
And while that might seem harsh, I'm the first to admit, that I've been there and done that. That chapter was born out of the frustration that I feel when I see so many amazing women making really dumb decisions when it comes to love and dating. I get calls, I get emails and usually, it goes something like this:
Gina, I just can't leave him or Gina, I can't get over my ex....then followed by: he is very abusive, he wouldn't marry me, he has a very bad temper, he won't commit, he cheated, he is controlled by his mother, he can't keep a job....and the list goes on.
The two things on this list that really gets me fired up the most, is a woman who "can't leave or get over" the the guy who is abusive or a cheater! Listen up ladies, you are so LUCKY not to be stuck with that loser any more!! You should be thanking the heavens, doing an Irish jig and celebrating like a rock star. Do you know how many women (or men) NEVER get out of those situations?
Let me share a story with you about a guy I lived with years a go.
I LOVED him!!! We had great sex, great chemistry, and we were like two peas in a pod. A VERY dysfunctional pod, that is. He was very cute, very charming, perfect body (and body parts), he had great style and loved to cook out on our deck over looking the ocean. Sounds great right? Well, there are always two sides to every coin. And on the other side of this coin was a guy who when I met him, was in a relationship someone and he broke up with her to be with me. And I thought nothing of it, (I was 24 at the time and a little clueless) I just knew we had a magical connection, that was undeniable. So I went with it and chose to believe that he was a great guy. I ignored that first red flag and then there were other unattractive character traits that started to surface as we went along, but again, I chose to ignore them. In truth, he was mentally abusive, manipulative, irresponsible and completely selfish. However, those things didn't matter to me, because of all of the other great things about him: cute, charming, stylish, cool, sexy, fun. He had all of the superficial traits I was looking for, so I was willing to over look everything else. As many women before me had and as many women after me have continued to do. To make a long story short, eventually we were like oil and water and I'm not going to say it was all him, it takes two to tango. But it should not have shocked and devastated me when, while we were still living together, he broke up with me over the phone by telling me that he was moving in with another girl, and proceeded to have his friend break into our apartment when I wasn't home and move all of his things out. This is who he REALLY was and I knew that. I knew from the beginning he had broken up with the other girl for me and he did it in a cowardly fashion and I knew that every decision he ever made, was based on how it could benefit him. That is who he was, but that person is who I refused to see. Until he did it to me. Oh I cried and I cried and I even begged him to come back and in the months that followed I hung on to that mind trick: "But, I LOVE him".
Now, let me tell you the rest of the story. He moved in with the new girl, got her pregnant right away, then went on to have two kids with her, never married her and right after their second child was born he left her for another woman. How do I know this? Well, I stumbled upon her blog recently and she is a brilliant writer and often chronicles her struggles as a single mom who was left high and dry by a deadbeat and she blogs about her life and current struggles living in a shady part of Hollywood, with two kids, just trying to make ends meet. When I read her blog, I thought: that could have been me, it would have been me. But, thank God it's not. Yes, back in the 90's it took me several months to get over him, but once I did that was it. And I thank my lucky stars often. These days, I wouldn't even know him and he wouldn't know me, I'm light years away from that girl who though that I could transform a loser into a good guy.
So, what is the moral of the story? Well, there are several.
- NEVER over-look someone's character, even if they have a few redeeming traits, it doesn't ever trump someone's true character.
- Get out sooner rather than later, before it ruins your life.
- Just remember, you WILL get over him (or her) and I PROMISE, you will be so much happier down the road.
- A leopard cannot change his spots.
- A loser is just a loser no matter no matter how hopeful you are for their redemption.
- Being a dumb bitch only has to be a temporary situation.
I recently got an email and I'd like to share it here because I feel this is an important topic that isn't talked bout very much. We'll begin with her letter:
I have two questions and they are related to alcohol. I stopped drinking almost two years ago for personal reasons but I don't subscribe to a "no-alcohol in my home or life" mentality. My family drinks, my friends drink, there is wine and alcohol in my kitchen and I don't have a problem with men I date drinking. My first question is, do you think it's okay for me to put "social drinker" rather than "never" on my profile? I feel like saying "never" makes me look like I'm not fun or that I'm judgmental. I worry that this is dishonest, but I really feel like saying "never" limits the amount of men who would be interested in a date.
I usually try to do coffee or lunch on a first date so that I can order an iced tea or non-alcoholic drink without raising any questions. Then if there is any chemistry and there's a second date, maybe dinner, I explain that I stopped drinking. That brings me to my second question. I don't think it's appropriate to get into the reasons behind my decision to not drink with someone I barely know, I just say "it doesn't agree with me." Do you think that is the right way to handle it? I was never a violent or belligerent drunk and I don't have a trail of wreckage that I'm trying to hide, but I know people can make any kind of assumption. My experience so far has been that older men don't mind me not drinking, but younger men (in their 30's) are a little put off. My approach right now is to just try and let my personality speak for itself but any advice you have would be appreciated.
I'm very glad you asked, this is an issue that is rarely talked about. And as I get older I realize that people don't need to know all of our personal details and your truth is your truth, they don't need access to any information that won't affect them or harm them. People like to judge other people, especially when you're dating. They want to size you up, figure out what's wrong with you and then they're off to the next person. So, the fact that you stopped drinking (first of all I applaud you) is a great thing. You do not have to tell a guy on the first date or even the second. I recommend just avoiding the discussion until you know that you really like the guy and vice versa. If I were you, I would say you gave it up because you wanted to. Say, that you wanted to be healthier and that you feel better than ever, so you're sticking with as long as you can. Period. Even if you end up dating the guy, if I were you, I'd still make that your new truth. Sometimes even saying: "it just didn't agree with me" could be construed as: I get crazy! At least that's how one might take it. And believe me, they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. So don't raise any suspicion, make it no big deal :-)
Reasons why someone would mind, if you don't drink:
- because he can't take advantage of you
- because he wants someone to party with.
If he's a cool guy with good intentions he won't mind that you don't drink.
So that was my reply, but I still want to expand on this subject. I think especially if you're single and dating and going out on a regular basis, usually you're drinking. Drinking is a very big part of socializing. It's hard to go on a date (especially a first date) and not drink. It loosens you up, lightens the evening and can kick some chemistry into gear. But, it can also get in the way of having a clear rational perspective of the person that is sitting across from you. Let's face it, you wouldn't go to a job interview after you'd had a glass of wine? Nor would you want to interview someone for a job, after you've had a glass of wine. Why? Because it will impair your judgment and the way you communicate. It will impair the decisions you make. I think more people should not drink on the first few dates, so they can be at their absolute best. It's scary, I know! But, I do believe that being completely clear and fully present with someone, is really the only way to know for sure if this person is right for you or not. So if finding a meaningful connection is your goal, it's best to be sober and present in every way.
Hello out there!!! I am sorry that I haven't posted a new blog in a very long time, but I have a very good reason. I have been working on several books. And therefore have been using my ideas and advice for the purpose of a long form self help book or a few books, in this case. I finished my first book, Love Life Makeovers and am working on my next two. So, that is what I have been up to, I haven't forgotten any of you :)
But, I have recently been inspired to write a new blog on one of my favorite subjects: getting back together after you have both already called it quits.
It doesn't make a difference who is at fault or who breaks up with whom. The only thing that is important to remember is that there is drama and discourse, enough that one of you or both of you have decided to pull the plug on the relationship. And I firmly believe that you should never go back. Once a relationship ends, it ends for a good reason. And those that try to go back or do go back will end up sooner or later breaking up again and usually for the very same reason or issue that you broke up for, in the first place. Life is not about going backwards, life is about learning from your mistakes and moving forward. The longer you remain in a bad, turbulent relationship, the more time you waste. Time that you will never get back. I know several women who have wasted many, many years in an unhappy relationship with the wrong guy, only to now be in a place where, they are too old to have kids. They literally wasted those years thinking that they could change the guy or that by some magical power their relationship would get better. It never did.
And it breaks my heart to see people that I know stuck with their feet in quick sand watching life pass them by, while they struggle in a bad relationship that prevents them from having a happy life.
Life is about being happy and being a positive contributor to the universe. And how can you be positive and happy when you live a life filled with drama, misery and sadness? I say, "Onward and Upward!!" This is the only life you get, so make it the best you can.