Monday, 25 August 2008 21:29

Finding the “one”

I used to think that I knew who it was I was looking for. You know when you write down all of the qualities that you seek in a partner. Funny, smart, kind, ambitious. I never had on my list...broke, lazy, emotionally unavailable, messy, chaotic, and immature. But, yet, that was exactly the type of person that I kept dating. Now, don't get me wrong..they didn't all posses all of those qualities (qualities?) at once. Some had only one of those issues or maybe two. And I could never figure out why I kept ending up with these duds. I would say..."But, that's not what I wrote down on my wish list."

Well, I have recently discovered the answer. I may have written down and sincerely hoped for a great guy, a guy who had his life together, A MAN. But, what I wasn't even aware of...was the fact that I was attracting the exact type of person that was my mirror image. Again, I didn't have all of those negative issues all at one time...but, I can admit now, that I certainly was NOT equal to the person that I had always dreamed of marrying.

I was immature (check) lazy (at times) broke (too many times) messy (I have animals) and emotionally unavailable (check). Then something magical happened, I met a guy, that at first, I thought I wasn't interested in....because he was the complete opposite of anyone I had ever been attracted to in the past AND he was a business man! Here's the magical part..I fell for him and my entire life changed. Not because I married him, no, the relationship didn't work out. But, here's what he did for me. For the first time in my life, I met a real MAN, who gave me an opportunity to see what life is like when you are an adult, with class and money. So, once I got a taste of that..there was no going backward. I took action. It wasn't easy, I changed my life..dramatically. I changed careers, I became a responsible adult, I now have a cleaning lady. I have a passion for my business. I am doing very well. Now, I am ready for and equal to the person I have always dreamed of marrying. But, since I am so focused on my business, I'm not looking. And you know what they say about that....well, we'll see. I'll let you know.

But, here's the deal....figure out exactly the type of person you want to be with....inner qualities, lifestyle, class, brains...whatever it is you want in someone else and make sure you take a real..I mean..real..honest look at yourself first. If you need to make changes, make changes. Because until you posses those qualities that you are seeking in someone else, you will never find the person you have always dreamed of marrying. Whew! Too much honesty for one night ☺ Thanks, Jay!

Saturday, 05 July 2008 21:27

Just Do It!

The road to self-help has many detours and many directions. In other words, there are many options...many routes to take. But, the goal is the same...everyone is trying to get to the same destination, which is called, health and happiness. So, if you are one of those that are constantly seeking this destination...yet it eludes you, then the problem may not be, the route you are taking or the directions that you are following, it just might be that your car is up on one of those mechanic platforms and in the garage. You're in your car, you're steering and giving it the gas, you even have the radio blasting and the windows are down.... but all you are really doing is just spinning your wheels. Your car is out of commission, you aren't leaving the garage. What???

What does this analogy mean? Well, it means that you can go through the motions and you probably think you are doing all you can, to "get there", but, just going through the motions isn't enough. If you can't leave the garage...then it is pointless to do any of the other steps. In other words, you can read all of the self help books you want, you can go to meetings, you can even see a therapist. But, until you...YOU...the inside of you...your brain, until you are ready, willing and able to actually receive the information and put it into action...(not just going through the motions) you are really just wasting your time.

So, how do you really "receive" the information and really begin to make actual changes in your life? The answer is very simple. Maybe too simple, that might be the problem. You stop making excuses and you take action! Now.... not later. You end that bad relationship. You stop dating the bad boys. You throw out the clutter. You exercise. You start making eye contact and smiling at people. You redecorate your place..or move! You find a new career that actually makes you happy! Basically, you take a leap of faith. But, the key is to make real tangible, physical and mental changes. Once you begin this proactive process and you can see the changes right before your very eyes, you will then stay with the process.... and ultimately change your life. You've heard it before...."just do it".

Oprah has said, that she always follows through with everything she wants to do. That means, if she has an idea to do something..she doesn't just talk about it, she does it. And because she has always been a person of "action"..... that is why she is, where she is, today. Change and progress are in the "doing" not in the "planning" or "just talking about it". It is better for you to take a leap of faith and "just do it" with no planning or thinking about it...rather than...talks and plan.... with no action. Just do!

But, if you are still making excuses and not making any there any hope for you?

Well, I think you have to get to a point in your life, where you are just finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. Too many people get so caught up in the "journey" or "process", that they over look the fact that unless their car can leave the garage.... that all they end up doing for years, is just planning the trip. And then it will get to a point where your friends begin to get tired of hearing you talk about the trip..... that never happens! They will start to distance themselves from you. At first, you will complain...about your friends not being around anymore.... then one day.... when you are all alone and you realize that you've read all of the "books"...and yet your life hasn't gotten any better, in fact, it is worse and you aren't getting any younger...THAT is when you will finally be able to receive help and make great changes in your life. Stop making excuses and start making changes. I have a sign in my bathroom that says "Did you do anything to change your life today?". I look at that sign (that I made) every night before I go to bed and I ask myself that question and when I can answer "yes".... I feel so proud of myself.

So.... did you do anything to change your life today?

Tuesday, 17 June 2008 21:26

Sex & Marriage?

What does it mean to be in a happy marriage? And is it normal for couples to rarely have sex or in many cases, not all, when they have been married for several years? What is normal sexual activity in a marriage? Is sex an important part of marriage? It should be!

I personally think, it is crucial to keep the sex and the passion alive in any relationship; long-term committed or marriage. Why? Because otherwise if the couple doesn't keep it fresh, doesn't keep the passion alive, then they just become relatives. To me, the reason to be bound with someone in marriage, is to make a permanent commitment to someone you love, respect and enjoying making love, to. The expression that comes out of that love and respect, is sex or making love. People seem to feel the need to get married and have a permanent connection with someone, only to drift apart and let their sexual intimacy and passion wane. I'm not sure why anyone would want to get married and then just be friends with his or her partner. What's the point of being married and not having sex with your partner and not being able to have sex with anyone else? At least that's what it means to be in a conventional marriage. When you and your partner are very rarely having sex, usually, it is often the case that one person in the relationship and sometimes even both partners in the relationship, will go outside of their marriage for sex. And of course, this ultimately creates a wedge between the couple, which inevitably could lead to the demise of their entire marriage.

So why do people turn off their sex drive once they get married? I realize, that priorities shift once you become married. Children for example, enter the picture and often times, this leaves the couple with very little private time. At least, that is what couples tell me. So, here is what I say about that, why not steal moments with your partner as if you were doing something tawdry and wrong? Make it more of an "us against them" when it comes to you and your spouse and your children. Maybe the kids are playing in the backyard and you and your husband or wife, can run into the bathroom for two minutes for a quick and spontaneous lovemaking session. Or maybe it's just simply 15 seconds of a crazy make-out session. If you're in a happy marriage where you find that your partner is the love of your life, you respect them, you're best friends with them, you have children with them, why not make having sex with them one of the top priorities? What do you have to lose?

I'm sure the romance is not as hot as it was in the very beginning of your courtship and because you're older, because you now have more responsibilities, money issues, children, stress, and lack of sleep. But, that's is exactly why you need to make romance, passion and sex, much higher on your list of priorities, that is, if you want to keep your marriage, your love life alive.

Tuesday, 25 March 2008 21:24

The Approach

I have been having discussions lately with men and women on the subject of....."How does a man approach a woman in a social setting?" "Or why doesn't a man approach a woman in a social setting?"

You always hear beautiful women on T.V. say "I can't get a date." and "Men are just too afraid to approach me." I really find it extremely hard to believe, that if Cindy Crawford or Heidi Klum were in a bar and not famous..that most men wouldn't be chatting them up right and left and asking them out.

I'm not sure if I believe in this "he's too imtimidated" thing. I do believe that many men when they see an attractive woman may not approach her because they think she might be in a relationship...but, again, I say..if she were Heidi Klum..he'd give it a shot anyway.

But, what to do if you are not Heidi Klum or Cindy Crawford? Well, it seems the easiest way to convey interest to a man from across the room (without, you approaching the man) is to make eye contact....real and direct eye contact, for what might seem like an eternity (about 5 or 10 secs) and give him a smile. The tactic that I have used for years is to smile and chat with the other guy, that I'm not interested in...and you know what always happens...that is the guy, that will end up asking me out. Why, because I smiled and made eye contact with him, the guy I wasn't interested in. So, clearly the tactic that I have been using to get the cute guy I like, to ask me out..doesn't work. But, it does, if you want to go out with his unattractive friend. Just go after what you want.

I mean really, what have you got to lose? Who cares if he thinks you are staring at are! He will either be a man and approach you or he won't, it's as simle as that. Now, what do you have to lose by not making eye contact and giving him a signal that you are available and interested? Well, how about a possible date with a cute guy, for starters. And men..are you really intimidated or just not interested enough to take action?

I agree with the adage that says: It's better to act and to regret / Than to regret not to have acted. - Mellin de Saint-Gelais

Wednesday, 05 March 2008 20:23

My New Internet Radio Show

I'm not sure if you've checked out my new internet show on

My show is called "Love Life Makeovers" You can call in and listen live every Wednesday morning at 11am PST. I have a new guest on each week to discuss all things "Love" related.

If you would like to be a guest on my show. Email me and let me know.

Click here to listen to my first show

Sunday, 03 February 2008 20:22

Dating with modern technology

These days with all of the gadgets and gizmo's out now our lives should be easier..right?

Well, when it comes to dating, it seems that some technology has been proven to be very useful for dating, while the misuse of technology has made dating more difficult and frustrating.

For example, online dating is a great way to meet people you might not ordinarily meet in your day-to-day life. You see someone you like on a dating site and send them an email. And because of email; you are now able to communicate faster and in a more private way. Rather than giving out a phone number to a complete stranger, giving out your email address is a safer alternative. However, it can also be a very impersonal way to communicate with someone. Often times on dating sites, you might come across the person that seems to just send emails with absolutely no interest in taking the next step. This is also true with people you meet anywhere.

If you are at the point where someone has your telephone number as well as your email...yet they still just email, then something's wrong. Either they are not really available or they are not really interested in you. Getting email from someone you are interested in is fun at first. But, if it becomes the only means of communicating, then someone is going to get bored and eventually loose interest. Then there are text messages. Obviously, if someone is texting you, then they have your phone number. Texting is a great way to flirt and just say a quick "hi" " I'm thinking about you". But, if it is being over used and not in combination with real phone becomes obvious very quickly, that the "texter" is just playing games and killing time. Not to mention..running up your text-messaging bill!

How did people date before answering machines, cell phones and computers? Well, since they didn't have the modern day conveniences we do, people had to make an EFFORT to get together with someone. They had to mean it, when they said, "I'll call you" or 'Want to go out next week?" Because it was harder to make contact, plans had to be made in advance and kept. When someone picked you up for a date....that was it, it was just the two of interruptions. No cell phones to answer, no texts to send out. If you are not a doctor or a single parent, I see no reason to even bring your cell phone on a date. Period.

Dating with modern technology in review

1. If you have someone's phone number or they have to ask them out or cancel a date. No emails or text when it comes to making or canceling plans.

2. Don't over text. Say "Hi" or 'I'm thinking about you" or 'I'm late'. Anymore than them.

3. No cell phones on dates. If you have to bring it, keep it in the car.

Sunday, 13 January 2008 20:21

Are your expectations realistic?

This is a very important question to ask. When you think of your future, whom do you see yourself with when you're 80? Or are you just thinking of "right now"? If it is your ego talking then probably you would say.."I see myself with someone fit, tall, great smile, loves rock music, owns the new I phone and is very very sexy.' And why? Why are those things the most important things to your ego? Well, because, the ego by definition means: An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit.

To put it another way: Are your expectations of a potential partner based on what is in your heart or is it based on how you want to be perceived by other people? Because I know when you're 80, you're not going to care if he was ever a rock star or if she was ever a super model. So think about what is really most important. If you're looking for a long-term relationship, then you have to be realistic. That means that you have to ask yourself, "If everyone on this planet looked the same and dressed the same and had the same income.....what qualities then, would I be looking for?" And do YOU have the same qualities to offer the other person? Because, if you're expectation is for a perfect model, then you also need to be a perfect model. Right? Let's face it, if you're over weight, average looking and don't have a lot going for you, other than you're a nice person...well, let's just hope and're not waiting for "George Clooney or Eva Longoria" to come along.

There are just as many women out there as there are men, who seem to have a strange sense of entitlement, when it comes to being choosy about a mate. It is great to be picky and have standards...but, make sure you are being honest with yourself and that your standards aren't higher than what you have to offer in return.

Be realistic and think outside of the stereotypes. Let go of unrealistic expectations, throw away your checklist and allow yourself to fall in love with someone's inner qualities. The only way to do that is by giving different people a chance..a real chance, it takes more than one date to fall in love, sometimes it takes ten, fifteen or even twenty. Love at first sight rarely happens, the best type of love is the love that develops over time and is based on the soul, not the outer shell.

Monday, 07 January 2008 20:18

Men, start this New Year out right!

It is a brand new year and if you are like the majority of people in Los Angeles, then you are single. Is this by choice? Or is it because the women you are interested in, only see you as a friend? If the women you are attracted to, seem to always see you as a friend, then clearly you are doing something wrong.

Here are some simple things you can do to take charge and stop that from happening again!

You have to establish your intentions from the beginning. You're not going to say it with your words, you're going to say it with your actions.

Step 1. First and foremost, you have to have confidence.

Step 2. Don't take the passive approach. Come up with creative and fun things to do---be original, call her up and ask her out.

Step 3. Always pick her up.

Step 4. Never let her pay

Step 5. Always walk her to her door

Step 6. Open all doors for her and let her go first

All of the above steps are a great start...but, just having great manners isn't enough. She has to see you in a romantic you have to be romantic and cross that "friendship" line.

Here are some ways to do that:

Holding hands: Take the initiative and take her hand when the two of you are crossing a street or walking to the car at the end of the night.

Flirting: whisper in her ear..."you look beautiful"..or when you're not with her send her a flirty text...."just thinking about how hot you looked the other night...can't wait to see you again"

By taking all of these steps you are sending her the message that you are in charge, that you care about her well being and that you see her in a sexual way. She will respect you as a man and you will definitely get her attention, she will see you as a "date" not just as a "friend".

Good Luck and Happy New Year!

Tuesday, 18 December 2007 20:14

Do you have a dating strategy?

Have you ever wondered why you aren't meeting or dating many new people?

Well, when we were in our 20's we didn't really need a strategy. But, then we were also not looking to settle down or find love. We were out having fun, being adventurous and meeting new people everyday.

Then into our 30's we don't go out to bars as much anymore and clubs..well, I never liked clubs. So you go to dinner with friends or the occasional party. Some of your friends are in long-term relationships and some are married. They still know a few single people..but, the list is getting shorter. Meanwhile, you are still single. Now might be the time to figure out a dating strategy.

This means that you are going to be pro-active in reaching your long-term be in a committed long term relationship and hopefully marriage. But, first you need dates. Or I like to call them.

So, what do you do......where do you begin?

Well, first, I'll just give a few examples of strategies that I know some people are currently using to find dates, which is the first step to finding a long term relationship.

Where do you work?

I know someone who owns restaurants and they have been using their place of business for years as their personal dating service or "strategy" to finding love. And if you work in a field where you are expected to be friendly and approachable, then it makes it much easier to approach someone and strike up an innocent friendly conversation. I know another person who is a hairdresser, he chats with clients all day and gets plenty of dates that way too.

So, deciding to be a bit friendlier in your work environment is a good place to start. NOTE: I am not talking about hitting on a coworker or customer. But, by simply smiling, striking up a conversation and (if it comes up) mentioning that you are single, you are now opening a new door to more possibilities. But, I realize there are also many of you who do not come in contact with a bevy of new people at work and some of you might even work from home. This is why, you especially, need to have a dating strategy.

I have put together a list of a few simple ways to create a strategy for dating and meeting new people.

*Join a group

By joining a group where you know no one and you enjoy the activity, you are guaranteed to meet new people and expand your circle, by expanding your circle, you are now opening yet another door to more possibilities.

*Try online dating

I know people who have tried it and gotten married, I have known people who have tried it and had no luck at all. But, what I do say about online dating is this; it provides you with the ability to meet people that you might not ever have met in your day-to-day life. The more people you meet and go out with....the better you will be at the art of making "dating conversation".

*Find activities you love doing

If there is something that you used to love to do...but, haven't done in awhile, go do it. Either go by yourself (which I recommend) or find a friend or neighbor to go with you. But, remember....try to make conversation with others....not just the person you have with you. As much as I don't like to go places by has ALWAYS forced me to talk to new people and help me meet people that I might not talk to if I have a friend along. I think going by yourself to an event or to do an activity is the best way to force you to talk to strangers. And I also think other people are more inclined to approach you when you are by yourself. Be brave! Try it!


When you volunteer to help at a charity event, it not only makes you feel makes other people approach you at the event. They will usually be asking questions, need help with whatever activity is going on, and in general I feel most people tend to let their guard down at charity events. People get into the spirit of helping others and they tend to forget they are talking to strangers...because; after-all you are all there for the same cause. That is a conversation starter and often times is a bonding experience between otherwise, perfect strangers.

The goal is to expand your circle. By finding a dating strategy that works for you and putting that strategy into action you will have more dates, the more dates you have, the better your chance at finding love.

If you are the type of person that really is determined to increase your chance at finding love, you also might want to consider hiring a personal matchmaker. A matchmaker's goal is to find love for you. They do the searching based on what you are looking for in a mate. They search through their personal data base of eligible singles, as well as approach anyone where ever they are. If they spot someone who appears to fit your criteria they will approach them and ask if they are single and tell them they have someone they would like to introduce them to. Most people are extremely flattered and impressed to be approached by a matchmaker and are very willing to meet the matchmakers client.

What will be your dating strategy for the New Year?

Saturday, 08 December 2007 20:14

Basic dating do's & don’ts for men

How to avoid game playing from the beginning.

If you are on a first or second date, and you think you might be interested in seeing this person again, I suggest paying attention to signals or conversation that perhaps your date has given about things they would like to do in the future. For example, if she's mentioned the new art exhibit that she wants to see...or a new restaurant that sounds interesting....then at the end of the date you should suggest checking it out for next time. If she says yes, then follow up by saying you'll call mid week to figure out a plan. This let's both of you know that you'll being seeing each other again soon. Then make sure you call on the day you are supposed to....and no sooner. I think that calling the day after is nice, but not necessary on the first or second date. In fact, sometimes it can feel like too much to soon.

If you've said at the end of the date that you'll call mid week, then call mid week—leave it at that.

Always walk her to her car and wait until she drives off

If she has her car in will score BIG bonus points if you walk her to the valet and pay the valet for her parking, she can tip.

Open doors for her and let her always go first

If she offers to pay or chip in....ALWAYS say no

Never answer your phone when on a date

Don't try too hard

Don't try to be funny

Be yourself

Be polite

And genuinely be interested in what she has to say

These are my opinion's based on my personal experience over the years. But, it seems I'm not alone in my opinion.

Just as I was getting ready to post my "do's and don'ts" on my blog, I came across an article on yahoo.

I've posted it below. I really agree with the part about communication. in fact, I agree with it all. Enjoy this iinteresting and helpful article.

From homepage 12-9-2007

Andrea Syrtash gets the scoop from daters -- females and males -- about the top mistakes men make when they're dating. See how to avoid those mistakes

How many times have you gone on what you thought was an amazing date only to find that the person never calls back or doesn't seem interested when you try to book another date?

Dating can be awkward, and everyone makes mistakes. Of course, there are some instances in which the person you like doesn't follow up and it has nothing to do with you (e.g,. an ex comes back into her life...don't you love that?). But often it's simple things we do (or don't do) that prevent us from making a connection.

During the past few years, I've interviewed hundreds of daters and asked them what they were looking for, and it's amazing to hear the same themes. Women have certainly complained to me about the biggest mistakes they feel that men make in dating, so I thought I'd share the secrets. (Don't worry -- I have plenty of material on the mistakes women make, but that's for a future installment.)

Top Five Dating Mistakes That Men Make

1. Men Show Off or Try to Impress Too Much. Don't offer your resume, your earning potential, and tell us how you'll change our lives the first time we meet you. Instead of talking about yourself the whole night, ask questions! Don't come on too strong right away. Let us figure out if we want to be with you, instead of telling us we do.

2. Men Don't Listen to Us When We're Talking. We notice if you stop listening to us, if you ask us questions we just answered, or if you keep interrupting us when we're opening up. This drives most women nuts! Unless you're on call, don't check your Blackberry at dinner and don't check out other women. Focus on the woman across the table from you and listen to what she has to say.

3. Men Aren't Chivalrous. The lines here are not always clear. We want you to treat us like equals, but we also want you to treat us like women. It's nice when a man picks up the tab or makes sure his date gets home safely. It may be old-fashioned, but a number of women report that dating a gentleman matters.

4. Men Don't Take Initiative. Men, how many times have you caught yourself saying, "I don't know" or "Whatever you'd like" when planning a date? If you've asked a woman out, a better approach is to give a few fun and creative date options and ask her to pick one.

Initiative doesn't mean ordering for a woman at a restaurant or ordering a woman around! It does mean confidently approaching your date with ideas, passion and interest. It also means you can be flirty and forward, letting her know how amazing you think she looks or how much you want to kiss her.

5. Men Say They'll Call and Then Don't. It's no surprise that acting like you're going to follow up when you're not bothers most women (and never underestimate the way word travels about you not keeping your word!). Better to end a date by saying, "It was nice to meet you. Have a good night." Don't act like you're going to follow up if you're not. If you've gone out more than a few times, be honest that while you enjoy your date's company, you don't feel a romantic connection.

Just remember, communication is usually the way to go with a woman.

There are always exceptions, so I don't believe there are absolute rights and wrongs in dating -- but there are strategies. If you follow these simple steps, you'll be ahead in the dating game. At least you'll get an 'A' for effort.

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