Don't you hate that question! Then you say, "Yes" and it's usually followed by a suspicious look followed by the question "why?" AWKWARD!
Well, how do you respond, wait..I already know...you hem and haw and then finally just give them some BS excuse just to move the conversation along to another subject...fast.
So, between you and me....what is the answer? What seems to be keeping you from being in a loving and healthy relationship? Well, that is exactly why I wrote the book Stop Being a Bitch ad Get a Boyfriend....so you can finally get to the bottom of why a relationship eludes you. Here is an excerpt from the chapter called
Coming soon to a theatre near you...
A horror story of epic proportions! When a beautiful girl with winning qualities is bitten by a mutant bug it plants a parasite in her brain. This particularly terrifying parasite eats away at the brain of the poor unsuspecting girl, and worse: the only way to keep the parasite from eating her alive is to feed it compliments and validation from poor, unfortunate, unsuspecting humans. The infected girl tries as hard as she can to avoid feeding on her friends and boyfriend, but before long, the parasite (more commonly known as insecurity) is growing and growing and GROWING! And as the insecurity grows, it gets HUNGRIER! The once wonderful girl is quickly transformed into a practically unrecognizable creature! BEWARE! It's the Insecure Bitch! She's running loose, and she's taking her friends and boyfriend hostage! She's feeding on their compliments and validation, and it won't be long before she's hungry for more! Her victims, meanwhile, are running scared!
YIKES! Unfortunately, for many girls, this is more than just a movie—it's real life. Could this crazed creature be you?
My new book Stop Being a Bitch and Get a Boyfriend is available on Amazon
I found this today on CNN and thought you might enjoy this news!(Health.com) -- You've heard (and tried) it all before: down a dozen oysters, watch a marathon of sultry movies, get a couples massage.
Even if these usual turn-ons work for you, sooner or later they start to feel tired -- which may make you less likely to respond to them, says Irwin Goldstein, M.D., director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego.
Luckily, science has discovered a few more offbeat things that crank up your desire. Try one out tonight!
Consider taking a surfing lesson together instead of a romantic walk on the beach. After being in an adrenaline-pumping situation (say, watching a suspenseful flick or going zip-lining), men and women find the opposite sex more alluring, suggests a study in the "Archives of Sexual Behavior."
"When you're doing something exciting, your heart is racing and your nervous system is activated, much like they would be if you were sexually aroused," explains Cindy Meston, Ph.D., the study's lead researcher and co-author of "Why Women Have Sex." Just don't use up all your energy riding the waves!
Health.com: The secret to hotter sex
Swap bubbly for red wine
Romantic dinner? Order a glass of Pinot Noir or other red wine: Women who drank a glass of red daily reported higher levels of sexual desire and vaginal lubrication, compared with those who sipped any kind of alcohol only occasionally or those who didn't drink at all, according to a study in the "Journal of Sexual Medicine."
Researchers suspect that red wine's high levels of polyphenols, a type of antioxidant, may help blood vessels widen, which can increase blood flow to key arousal areas. Stick to one glass, advises lead author Nicola Mondaini, M.D.; any more may extinguish your libido.
Health.com: 7 foods for better sex
Be a poser
Yoga does more than just get you limber -- it may boost your libido, too, suggests a review published in the "Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy." Getting your om on makes you more familiar with your body, which in turn can help you get more in touch with your sexuality.
While the report looked predominantly at women with sexual problems, "certainly anyone can benefit," says Lori Brotto, Ph.D., the lead author. Bonus: Yoga may also improve your orgasms by increasing blood flow down there.
Health.com: 10 best workouts for your sex life
Locking fingers with your sweetie is, well, sweet -- but can it make you hot and bothered? Absolutely. "Even little acts of touching your partner release oxytocin, a hormone that may boost closeness and arousal," Goldstein says.
The trick is to be spontaneous, he adds. That out-of-the-blue excitement is what prompts your body to pump out oxytocin and other neurotransmitters related to sexual response, so choose unexpected times to get a little grabby.
Health.com: 28 days to a healthier relationship
See (him in) red
Turns out, your man wearing this fiery hue can put you in the mood, suggests a University of Rochester study. "Red is a signal of status and power, and that turns women on," explains psychology professor Andrew J. Elliot, Ph.D., lead author of the study.
So, crazy as it sounds, urge him to wear the red shirt on date night -- you may want to tear it off him before dessert.
Take a whiff
Chances are, the smell of a sweaty gym does not get you all worked up. But the scent of your man post-workout might do just that. Sniffing his sweat can increase your level of the stress hormone cortisol, which may boost arousal, reports a study in the Journal of Neuroscience.
Consider hitting the gym together (exercising has also been found to flip our switch), or just snuggle close when he walks in after his workout. Then hit the showers -- together.
Copyright Health Magazine 2010
First let me say, online dating is great for most people. However, the majority of my clients prefer to keep their dating life anonymous and private, therefore they don't usually use online dating sites. As for me, I'm more like you. I work a lot, most of my friends are in relationships and I spend all day in front of the computer. So, naturally, online dating is an easy way for me to meet people whom might not normally cross my path. Unfortunately, the majority of the men I see online are men I would rather NOT ever cross paths with online or off.
That being said, I know there are really great, marriage-minded catches out there that are using online dating sites; you just have to know how to spot the keepers.
A great way to weed through the possibilities and move you one step closer to finding your love match is by scoping out profile photos. Of course, we all use these photos to decide which men to contact. However, I'm sure many of you simply look at the photo but don't see the whole picture. Some of these photos might seem appealing, but don't be fooled. A photo can help you determine which guy might love himself more than he could ever love you or who might not be exactly what he seems.
Here is a list of things to look for when perusing the photos:
- Any man who is just too cute or too sexy: Avoid this guy or you will be in a long line with every other woman on the site. And he knows it! Why would a kid want to ever leave a candy store?
- Any man who has his shirt off.
- Posing and making cutesy or weird faces or just being too silly.
- Too stylish.
- Too perfect of a "headshot": Airbrushing and Photoshop can be very deceiving.
- Too much of a bad boy.
- An overgrown kid.
- Photo resembles a mug shot or Wanted poster.
- Any man who has 10, 12, or 20-something photos of himself.
- His screen name can be a window to his psyche as well, so be ware.
Now, that we've gotten that out of the way. Here is what you should be looking for when you view the photos:
- A guy with a genuine smile.
- A guy who isn't trying too hard.
- A guy who just looks like a regular guy—not a model, not an actor, not a bad boy, or a comedian, or James Bond.
- A guy who isn't too put together, but not disheveled either. Just simple, not flashy or too cool.
- A guy who only has two or three photos.
- A guy who's photos might be a little out of focus, because he's just a regular guy who isn't that concerned with "perfect" photos.
Finally, a guy who looks too perfect or sounds too perfect is also looking for perfection in his lady. So chances are, even if you go out with him, he will be looking for any flaw and he will find it, because no one is perfect. Look for a guy who looks like a "good guy". Going for just the shiniest object on the page will prove to be a waste of time and energy.
If you aren't following me on Twitter, then you miss my daily love life tips. Here is a compilation of my recent tips:
Your Love Life Tip of the Day
Nothing you do will change anyone but you
Men want to chase and hunt it's their nature
Like the one who likes you
Cheaters never change, they just get better at it
Like who you love and love who you like
Character lasts longer than looks
Be careful who you fall in love with
Love the way you want to be loved
Expect nothing in return
Appreciate the little things
Do one new thing each day that you wouldn't normally do
If you're not happy find out why
If you're lonely reach out to those who need your help
Love and respect yourself first
A healthy relationship is lifts you up
An unhealthy relationship holds you back
Don't waste your love on a loser
Pay attention to the actions, not the words
Don't forget your friends, they with stick with you through it all
My top ten reasons why you should be glad you're single.
10. You can date, talk to and kiss anyone you want.
9. You can look any way you want to, any time you want to.
8. You look younger. Research has found single people look younger and are usually in better shape.
7. You can have sex with a different partner every night of the week, if you want to.
6. You don't have to deal with any relationship drama.
5. Being single means you are constantly meeting new people and going new places.
4. Your possibilities are endless.
3. You can take over the entire bed.
2. Your hand or your vibrator never disappoints.
1. The possibility that you could marry George Clooney or Cameron Diaz is still a possibility.
This week I have been talking about how we are so eager to open our arms...and our hearts to someone merely based on what we see in front of us. As if, that persons history has no bearing what so ever on the here and now. And let me tell you..it does and it should! We have historians for a reason....so, that facts and information..good and bad..will NEVER be forgotten. Why is someones credit history so important? Because tells a story of a persons character and accountability. Yet, why is it...when a man or a woman shows up..in the right clothes...with the hot body or beautiful car..or just telling us what we want to hear in that moment...that, that is all it takes. We choose to ignore or even look into the persons history or moral character. Has he/she ever cheated? "Well, he/she won't with me!" Has that person ever neglected their child? "Well, they wouldn't do that to our child!" Has that person ever committed a crime, had drug convictions, gotten fired from jobs or even been irresponsible with their pets?
If you were worked for a car dealership and you reviewed the persons credit report, would you be able to give him the car? If you were interviewing this person to work for you, would you hire them based on their work history and personal references? Stop and think for a minute.....if you wouldn't even consider hiring this person....based on their proven track record...then why on earth would you allow yourself the possibility of falling in love with them? The answer is simple. You place more value in protecting the interest of a company, than in, protecting your own heart and future. Isn't your heart...your life...a little more valuable than a car? Of course it is! So, in the future..before the "I love yous" get the facts, ask the questions, listen to the answers and let their story..their personal history...be the deciding factor...not the wine and roses. Because once the romance is gone..all that you and your heart will be left with..is the persons moral character.
If you are like most people, there will come a time in your life where you are stuck, in your love life or just in your life. Are you alone? Are you in a bad or just boring relationship? Well, it's a new year and there is no better time to look back at what got you to this place in life and look ahead to where you would like it to go in the future. Now, take a good look at the present and the changes you need to make. I recommend, instead of the usual "baby steps" or "sticking your toe in the water".....if a change is what you what, then you must plunge into action. Now!
One of my big changes last year was starting my own internet radio show, called "Love Life Makeovers" where each week I have a featured guest who has insight or advice on anything and all things love related. And if you had told me this time last year, that I would have this show..(that has become hugely popular)...I would have said "no way." So, I speak from experience when I give you the following advice on changing your life for the better. I hope it helps.
Here are a few suggestions to get you started, although, everyone's "sticking point" is different..the idea is to take an honest look at your life and what is holding you back and to tackle it in a big way. But, I have listed big and small changes...for those who aren't quite ready yet.
Step 1: If you are tired of looking at you're same old place...change it. If you can't move (which would be the best way for a huge change, because it changes who you meet at the grocery store, gas station and changes your whole life) then just redecorate your place. Sell your furniture on craigslist..or trade it in..or just move it around and recover. Paint. Painting a room is an instant affordable, change. Put new or vintage knobs on your doors and cabinets. Get new pictures for your walls. You can even just start small, with your bathroom. Any change is change. FYI...changing your bedroom, even what you wear to bed...is a great place to start with changing your current love situation. Freshen it up, spice it up.
Step 2: Start going to new places...even just to run errands or walk your dogs.
Step 3: Smile and say "Hi" to anyone and everyone. I can't tell you how much positive attention I get from people when I walk around with a smile on my face. And not a huge "I'm crazy" smile..but, a pleasant, friendly smile. And make sure you are aware of your facial expression at all times. Even just smiling when you're by yourself..will put you in a better mood. This might sound strange...but, it works.
Step 4: If you don't like your career....do something about it. Look around for other work opportunities or even sign up to do community work. This might open new job opportunities and will most certainly allow you to meet new people.
Step 5: Change your love life. Change your life. If you are single and lonely or in a unhappy relationship ...nothing will change until you make it happen. The other person will never change....you are the only one that can make your life better. So, maybe you need to start going to therapy or you need to join a women's or men's support group (whether you're single or in a relationship). If you're single, join online dating sites and choose differently. Do not choose dates based on looks. Make choices based on inner qualities that you seek in someone. If you don't want to do online dating, then join a "meetup" (meetup.com is a free web site, where you can find a group for anything you like to do).
All of the steps mentioned above will change your love life in one way or another. Because when you start the ball rolling for any type of change, you will be amazed at how it just keeps rolling and rolling. The key is to keep it rolling, by making changes. Make an agreement with yourself to do something everyday or just once a week, that you normally never do. If you do this now, then next year at this time you will look back on your life and you will be so amazed and proud of all of the changes you have made.
The best thing that I did for myself last year..that started the ball rolling for me, was, I made a sign that said "What Did You Do To Change Your Life Today?" and I put it where I would see it at the end of everyday. I can't tell you how many many many changes that happened in my life last year, all for the better...and this year, there is still more change to come. It's fun, it's exciting and necessary. The best quote I heard recently was: "The only difference between a rut and a grave, is the depth". So what are you waiting for? Give yourself a love life makeover now!
And if you have any questions, I'm always here to help.
Many books have been written over the years about the powers women have had over men through out history. But, is it still true today? Are women today even aware of their potential power and mystique? As the old saying goes " You can catch more flies with honey, than you can with vinegar". I think women these days are so concerned with "getting a boyfriend" or "getting a husband", that they are willing to do anything, put up with anything, in order to be validated with a man's love and attention.
I think there is something to be said about old-fashioned values. The days where men had great manners and the ladies were ladies. Ladies in waiting, if you will. If women could just be patient and happy with themselves or their friends, then they would be able to regain their power. It is when we lower our standards and except "crumbs" that we are teaching men how to treat us. We are telling them that we don't value ourselves as much as we value them. And why, why would any woman do that? Fear of being alone, fear of being unloved or just low self esteem. I can't tell you how many women today suffer horribly from low self-esteem. And unfortunately, they will pass it on to their children, then their children and so on.
If women only realized how men see them. They see them as goddesses. They see them as an almost mythical creature, that they spend every waking moment trying to figure out how to capture one for their very own. And if women played their cards right...and I don't mean game playing. I mean, if women would just realize that not being so available would not only make the men value them more, but, it would also help build their own self esteem and ultimately help them regain their power as a woman, then we would be teaching men how we really want to be treated.
I used to think that I knew who it was I was looking for. You know when you write down all of the qualities that you seek in a partner. Funny, smart, kind, ambitious. I never had on my list...broke, lazy, emotionally unavailable, messy, chaotic, and immature. But, yet, that was exactly the type of person that I kept dating. Now, don't get me wrong..they didn't all posses all of those qualities (qualities?) at once. Some had only one of those issues or maybe two. And I could never figure out why I kept ending up with these duds. I would say..."But, that's not what I wrote down on my wish list."
Well, I have recently discovered the answer. I may have written down and sincerely hoped for a great guy, a guy who had his life together, A MAN. But, what I wasn't even aware of...was the fact that I was attracting the exact type of person that was my mirror image. Again, I didn't have all of those negative issues all at one time...but, I can admit now, that I certainly was NOT equal to the person that I had always dreamed of marrying.
I was immature (check) lazy (at times) broke (too many times) messy (I have animals) and emotionally unavailable (check). Then something magical happened, I met a guy, that at first, I thought I wasn't interested in....because he was the complete opposite of anyone I had ever been attracted to in the past AND he was a business man! Here's the magical part..I fell for him and my entire life changed. Not because I married him, no, the relationship didn't work out. But, here's what he did for me. For the first time in my life, I met a real MAN, who gave me an opportunity to see what life is like when you are an adult, with class and money. So, once I got a taste of that..there was no going backward. I took action. It wasn't easy, I changed my life..dramatically. I changed careers, I became a responsible adult, I now have a cleaning lady. I have a passion for my business. I am doing very well. Now, I am ready for and equal to the person I have always dreamed of marrying. But, since I am so focused on my business, I'm not looking. And you know what they say about that....well, we'll see. I'll let you know.
But, here's the deal....figure out exactly the type of person you want to be with....inner qualities, lifestyle, class, brains...whatever it is you want in someone else and make sure you take a real..I mean..real..honest look at yourself first. If you need to make changes, make changes. Because until you posses those qualities that you are seeking in someone else, you will never find the person you have always dreamed of marrying. Whew! Too much honesty for one night ☺ Thanks, Jay!
What does it mean to be in a happy marriage? And is it normal for couples to rarely have sex or in many cases, not all, when they have been married for several years? What is normal sexual activity in a marriage? Is sex an important part of marriage? It should be!
I personally think, it is crucial to keep the sex and the passion alive in any relationship; long-term committed or marriage. Why? Because otherwise if the couple doesn't keep it fresh, doesn't keep the passion alive, then they just become relatives. To me, the reason to be bound with someone in marriage, is to make a permanent commitment to someone you love, respect and enjoying making love, to. The expression that comes out of that love and respect, is sex or making love. People seem to feel the need to get married and have a permanent connection with someone, only to drift apart and let their sexual intimacy and passion wane. I'm not sure why anyone would want to get married and then just be friends with his or her partner. What's the point of being married and not having sex with your partner and not being able to have sex with anyone else? At least that's what it means to be in a conventional marriage. When you and your partner are very rarely having sex, usually, it is often the case that one person in the relationship and sometimes even both partners in the relationship, will go outside of their marriage for sex. And of course, this ultimately creates a wedge between the couple, which inevitably could lead to the demise of their entire marriage.
So why do people turn off their sex drive once they get married? I realize, that priorities shift once you become married. Children for example, enter the picture and often times, this leaves the couple with very little private time. At least, that is what couples tell me. So, here is what I say about that, why not steal moments with your partner as if you were doing something tawdry and wrong? Make it more of an "us against them" when it comes to you and your spouse and your children. Maybe the kids are playing in the backyard and you and your husband or wife, can run into the bathroom for two minutes for a quick and spontaneous lovemaking session. Or maybe it's just simply 15 seconds of a crazy make-out session. If you're in a happy marriage where you find that your partner is the love of your life, you respect them, you're best friends with them, you have children with them, why not make having sex with them one of the top priorities? What do you have to lose?
I'm sure the romance is not as hot as it was in the very beginning of your courtship and because you're older, because you now have more responsibilities, money issues, children, stress, and lack of sleep. But, that's is exactly why you need to make romance, passion and sex, much higher on your list of priorities, that is, if you want to keep your marriage, your love life alive.