I recently got an email and I'd like to share it here because I feel this is an important topic that isn't talked bout very much. We'll begin with her letter:
I have two questions and they are related to alcohol. I stopped drinking almost two years ago for personal reasons but I don't subscribe to a "no-alcohol in my home or life" mentality. My family drinks, my friends drink, there is wine and alcohol in my kitchen and I don't have a problem with men I date drinking. My first question is, do you think it's okay for me to put "social drinker" rather than "never" on my profile? I feel like saying "never" makes me look like I'm not fun or that I'm judgmental. I worry that this is dishonest, but I really feel like saying "never" limits the amount of men who would be interested in a date.
I usually try to do coffee or lunch on a first date so that I can order an iced tea or non-alcoholic drink without raising any questions. Then if there is any chemistry and there's a second date, maybe dinner, I explain that I stopped drinking. That brings me to my second question. I don't think it's appropriate to get into the reasons behind my decision to not drink with someone I barely know, I just say "it doesn't agree with me." Do you think that is the right way to handle it? I was never a violent or belligerent drunk and I don't have a trail of wreckage that I'm trying to hide, but I know people can make any kind of assumption. My experience so far has been that older men don't mind me not drinking, but younger men (in their 30's) are a little put off. My approach right now is to just try and let my personality speak for itself but any advice you have would be appreciated.
I'm very glad you asked, this is an issue that is rarely talked about. And as I get older I realize that people don't need to know all of our personal details and your truth is your truth, they don't need access to any information that won't affect them or harm them. People like to judge other people, especially when you're dating. They want to size you up, figure out what's wrong with you and then they're off to the next person. So, the fact that you stopped drinking (first of all I applaud you) is a great thing. You do not have to tell a guy on the first date or even the second. I recommend just avoiding the discussion until you know that you really like the guy and vice versa. If I were you, I would say you gave it up because you wanted to. Say, that you wanted to be healthier and that you feel better than ever, so you're sticking with as long as you can. Period. Even if you end up dating the guy, if I were you, I'd still make that your new truth. Sometimes even saying: "it just didn't agree with me" could be construed as: I get crazy! At least that's how one might take it. And believe me, they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. So don't raise any suspicion, make it no big deal :-)
Reasons why someone would mind, if you don't drink:
- because he can't take advantage of you
- because he wants someone to party with.
If he's a cool guy with good intentions he won't mind that you don't drink.
So that was my reply, but I still want to expand on this subject. I think especially if you're single and dating and going out on a regular basis, usually you're drinking. Drinking is a very big part of socializing. It's hard to go on a date (especially a first date) and not drink. It loosens you up, lightens the evening and can kick some chemistry into gear. But, it can also get in the way of having a clear rational perspective of the person that is sitting across from you. Let's face it, you wouldn't go to a job interview after you'd had a glass of wine? Nor would you want to interview someone for a job, after you've had a glass of wine. Why? Because it will impair your judgment and the way you communicate. It will impair the decisions you make. I think more people should not drink on the first few dates, so they can be at their absolute best. It's scary, I know! But, I do believe that being completely clear and fully present with someone, is really the only way to know for sure if this person is right for you or not. So if finding a meaningful connection is your goal, it's best to be sober and present in every way.
Ladies beware, there are many men out there who will appear to be interested in you, but how can you tell the difference between the ones who really want to get to know you from the crafty ones who just want to get you into bed....
- He doesn't ask any questions about you. Other than, "What's the wildest thing you've ever done?" And other unimportant shallow questions.
- He's all over you WAY too soon.
- He makes sure the drinks keep coming.
- He calls last minute.
- He tries to get you over to his place as soon as possible.
- He doesn't respect your "no" the first time you say it. If you have to say "no" twice, get the hell out of there and don't look back.
- He won't make an effort to travel out of his way to see you.
- He won't make any original or special plans.
- He looks around the room (or over your shoulder) as your talking.
- He makes no attempt to have a deep or meaningful conversation.
In closing, these guys are often the cutest and the most charming. So we want to believe them, we want to trust them and sometimes we tell ourselves, "who cares, it's fun!" But is it really fun to be treated like an after thought or a toy? It's no fun when he doesn't call you anymore. So spot these guys and turn and run.
Men, please read the following email sent to a woman (as a first email) on an online dating site. I truly feel bad for him, because he sounds like a good guy. Poor guy, he's just saying waaaay too much, it's all about him, it's clear he never even read her profile and it's obviously a "cut and paste" job that he sends out to every lady. So read his email below and take heed!
"nibbling on sponge cake...watching the sun bake....
"nibbling on sponge cake...watching the sun bake...all the tourists covered with oil"...
that's me an island boy...just did a gig in Key West, Florida...singing tropical songs...
I'm Matt, my profession is an architecture, I'm a lead designer in a major LA architectural firm...
I'm what everyone calls a 'creative'. I'm a song writer, poet and artist. In fact all those three come out in my designs. smile. I'm putting together a benefit for a horse rescue ranch...in late June so I'm working on the song list for the evening of wine, food and music...it should be a lot of fun...talking to a lot of my musician and singer friends to volunteer for a good cause.
Driven but easy going...strange combination...most people just view the easy going part...but a lot gets accomplished this life is way too short to waste it. Have begun to show my paintings...just did a small show in Soho, NY. People were great and receptive...love to paint people...very figurative in my art. Published my first two children's books last fall and they are now available on Amazon...funny my kids had no clue I was going to do a series of tales I used to tell them as kids. They had a bang when they found dedicated the book to them...they were tickled.
I've been blessed...no other way to say it...5 gorgeous and talented grown kids...I love my work...love my hobbies... still I want to find that special someone to explore with and live this fun life.
Have fun this week...I am.
This is a question that I have been asking people for a while now. Let's face it, we all have our reasons. Or are they excuses? According to my married friend Karen, the ONLY reason anyone is single, is because they want to be. Hmmmm. Well, I guess if we took Karen's theory completely literally, we could all be married if we were willing to grab any old jackass that looked at us and smiled. But, I think that the majority of us aren't THAT desperate to get married that we are willing to marry the first parolee who crosses our path and asks us to marry them. But, then there is the other side of the coin. And on the other side of the coin is what I consider to be the number one reason why most of us are single, UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. It is a very very big problem. I notice this especially at my various singles events. When you put a group of single people in a room together and ask them to list who they are interested in, you can bet that EVERY guy will pick all of the prettiest women and all of the women will pick ALL of the cutest guys. Now, when it comes to attractive people...there's no problem there. Attractive people will always be attracted to each other, of course. But, the problem with unrealistic expectations lies with those people that aren't a 10 or a 9 or an 8 or 7 even a 6. I'm talking about people who are on the 1 to 5 scale. 5 being just average, not unattractive but not attractive either. The people in the 1 to 5 range NEVER seem to want each other....EVER. And I'm not sure if it is because they are completely unaware of their "number" or they know their "number" but, feel that in spite of their short comings they are entitled to someone way out of their league. Or maybe they want a trophy to prove to the world that they are much more than an ugly duckling. I'm not sure; I just know that people are way too concerned with someone's temporary shiny outer shell rather, than look past the superficial. I really wish more single people who want to find love would choose their dates and future mates on what really matters most and what is not going to change with time, and that is a person's intelligence and moral character, within their "number range" whether it's 1 to 5 or 6 to 10. So, tell me, what is your number? Do you think you have unrealistic expectations? Why are you single?
Many books have been written over the years about the powers women have had over men through out history. But, is it still true today? Are women today even aware of their potential power and mystique? As the old saying goes " You can catch more flies with honey, than you can with vinegar". I think women these days are so concerned with "getting a boyfriend" or "getting a husband", that they are willing to do anything, put up with anything, in order to be validated with a man's love and attention.
I think there is something to be said about old-fashioned values. The days where men had great manners and the ladies were ladies. Ladies in waiting, if you will. If women could just be patient and happy with themselves or their friends, then they would be able to regain their power. It is when we lower our standards and except "crumbs" that we are teaching men how to treat us. We are telling them that we don't value ourselves as much as we value them. And why, why would any woman do that? Fear of being alone, fear of being unloved or just low self esteem. I can't tell you how many women today suffer horribly from low self-esteem. And unfortunately, they will pass it on to their children, then their children and so on.
If women only realized how men see them. They see them as goddesses. They see them as an almost mythical creature, that they spend every waking moment trying to figure out how to capture one for their very own. And if women played their cards right...and I don't mean game playing. I mean, if women would just realize that not being so available would not only make the men value them more, but, it would also help build their own self esteem and ultimately help them regain their power as a woman, then we would be teaching men how we really want to be treated.
The road to self-help has many detours and many directions. In other words, there are many options...many routes to take. But, the goal is the same...everyone is trying to get to the same destination, which is called, health and happiness. So, if you are one of those that are constantly seeking this destination...yet it eludes you, then the problem may not be, the route you are taking or the directions that you are following, it just might be that your car is up on one of those mechanic platforms and in the garage. You're in your car, you're steering and giving it the gas, you even have the radio blasting and the windows are down.... but all you are really doing is just spinning your wheels. Your car is out of commission, you aren't leaving the garage. What???
What does this analogy mean? Well, it means that you can go through the motions and you probably think you are doing all you can, to "get there", but, just going through the motions isn't enough. If you can't leave the garage...then it is pointless to do any of the other steps. In other words, you can read all of the self help books you want, you can go to meetings, you can even see a therapist. But, until you...YOU...the inside of you...your brain, until you are ready, willing and able to actually receive the information and put it into action...(not just going through the motions) you are really just wasting your time.
So, how do you really "receive" the information and really begin to make actual changes in your life? The answer is very simple. Maybe too simple, that might be the problem. You stop making excuses and you take action! Now.... not later. You end that bad relationship. You stop dating the bad boys. You throw out the clutter. You exercise. You start making eye contact and smiling at people. You redecorate your place..or move! You find a new career that actually makes you happy! Basically, you take a leap of faith. But, the key is to make real tangible, physical and mental changes. Once you begin this proactive process and you can see the changes right before your very eyes, you will then stay with the process.... and ultimately change your life. You've heard it before...."just do it".
Oprah has said, that she always follows through with everything she wants to do. That means, if she has an idea to do something..she doesn't just talk about it, she does it. And because she has always been a person of "action"..... that is why she is, where she is, today. Change and progress are in the "doing" not in the "planning" or "just talking about it". It is better for you to take a leap of faith and "just do it" with no planning or thinking about it...rather than...talks and plan.... with no action. Just do it....today!
But, if you are still making excuses and not making any progress...is there any hope for you?
Well, I think you have to get to a point in your life, where you are just finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. Too many people get so caught up in the "journey" or "process", that they over look the fact that unless their car can leave the garage.... that all they end up doing for years, is just planning the trip. And then it will get to a point where your friends begin to get tired of hearing you talk about the trip..... that never happens! They will start to distance themselves from you. At first, you will complain...about your friends not being around anymore.... then one day.... when you are all alone and you realize that you've read all of the "books"...and yet your life hasn't gotten any better, in fact, it is worse and you aren't getting any younger...THAT is when you will finally be able to receive help and make great changes in your life. Stop making excuses and start making changes. I have a sign in my bathroom that says "Did you do anything to change your life today?". I look at that sign (that I made) every night before I go to bed and I ask myself that question and when I can answer "yes".... I feel so proud of myself.
So.... did you do anything to change your life today?