First let me say, online dating is great for most people. However, the majority of my clients prefer to keep their dating life anonymous and private, therefore they don't usually use online dating sites. As for me, I'm more like you. I work a lot, most of my friends are in relationships and I spend all day in front of the computer. So, naturally, online dating is an easy way for me to meet people whom might not normally cross my path. Unfortunately, the majority of the men I see online are men I would rather NOT ever cross paths with online or off.
That being said, I know there are really great, marriage-minded catches out there that are using online dating sites; you just have to know how to spot the keepers.
A great way to weed through the possibilities and move you one step closer to finding your love match is by scoping out profile photos. Of course, we all use these photos to decide which men to contact. However, I'm sure many of you simply look at the photo but don't see the whole picture. Some of these photos might seem appealing, but don't be fooled. A photo can help you determine which guy might love himself more than he could ever love you or who might not be exactly what he seems.
Here is a list of things to look for when perusing the photos:
- Any man who is just too cute or too sexy: Avoid this guy or you will be in a long line with every other woman on the site. And he knows it! Why would a kid want to ever leave a candy store?
- Any man who has his shirt off.
- Posing and making cutesy or weird faces or just being too silly.
- Too stylish.
- Too perfect of a "headshot": Airbrushing and Photoshop can be very deceiving.
- Too much of a bad boy.
- An overgrown kid.
- Photo resembles a mug shot or Wanted poster.
- Any man who has 10, 12, or 20-something photos of himself.
- His screen name can be a window to his psyche as well, so be ware.
Now, that we've gotten that out of the way. Here is what you should be looking for when you view the photos:
- A guy with a genuine smile.
- A guy who isn't trying too hard.
- A guy who just looks like a regular guy—not a model, not an actor, not a bad boy, or a comedian, or James Bond.
- A guy who isn't too put together, but not disheveled either. Just simple, not flashy or too cool.
- A guy who only has two or three photos.
- A guy who's photos might be a little out of focus, because he's just a regular guy who isn't that concerned with "perfect" photos.
Finally, a guy who looks too perfect or sounds too perfect is also looking for perfection in his lady. So chances are, even if you go out with him, he will be looking for any flaw and he will find it, because no one is perfect. Look for a guy who looks like a "good guy". Going for just the shiniest object on the page will prove to be a waste of time and energy.
Hello out there!!! I am sorry that I haven't posted a new blog in a very long time, but I have a very good reason. I have been working on several books. And therefore have been using my ideas and advice for the purpose of a long form self help book or a few books, in this case. I finished my first book, Love Life Makeovers and am working on my next two. So, that is what I have been up to, I haven't forgotten any of you :)
But, I have recently been inspired to write a new blog on one of my favorite subjects: getting back together after you have both already called it quits.
It doesn't make a difference who is at fault or who breaks up with whom. The only thing that is important to remember is that there is drama and discourse, enough that one of you or both of you have decided to pull the plug on the relationship. And I firmly believe that you should never go back. Once a relationship ends, it ends for a good reason. And those that try to go back or do go back will end up sooner or later breaking up again and usually for the very same reason or issue that you broke up for, in the first place. Life is not about going backwards, life is about learning from your mistakes and moving forward. The longer you remain in a bad, turbulent relationship, the more time you waste. Time that you will never get back. I know several women who have wasted many, many years in an unhappy relationship with the wrong guy, only to now be in a place where, they are too old to have kids. They literally wasted those years thinking that they could change the guy or that by some magical power their relationship would get better. It never did.
And it breaks my heart to see people that I know stuck with their feet in quick sand watching life pass them by, while they struggle in a bad relationship that prevents them from having a happy life.
Life is about being happy and being a positive contributor to the universe. And how can you be positive and happy when you live a life filled with drama, misery and sadness? I say, "Onward and Upward!!" This is the only life you get, so make it the best you can.
If you aren't following me on Twitter, then you miss my daily love life tips. Here is a compilation of my recent tips:
Your Love Life Tip of the Day
Nothing you do will change anyone but you
Men want to chase and hunt it's their nature
Like the one who likes you
Cheaters never change, they just get better at it
Like who you love and love who you like
Character lasts longer than looks
Be careful who you fall in love with
Love the way you want to be loved
Expect nothing in return
Appreciate the little things
Do one new thing each day that you wouldn't normally do
If you're not happy find out why
If you're lonely reach out to those who need your help
Love and respect yourself first
A healthy relationship is lifts you up
An unhealthy relationship holds you back
Don't waste your love on a loser
Pay attention to the actions, not the words
Don't forget your friends, they with stick with you through it all
My top ten reasons why you should be glad you're single.
10. You can date, talk to and kiss anyone you want.
9. You can look any way you want to, any time you want to.
8. You look younger. Research has found single people look younger and are usually in better shape.
7. You can have sex with a different partner every night of the week, if you want to.
6. You don't have to deal with any relationship drama.
5. Being single means you are constantly meeting new people and going new places.
4. Your possibilities are endless.
3. You can take over the entire bed.
2. Your hand or your vibrator never disappoints.
1. The possibility that you could marry George Clooney or Cameron Diaz is still a possibility.
Many books have been written over the years about the powers women have had over men through out history. But, is it still true today? Are women today even aware of their potential power and mystique? As the old saying goes " You can catch more flies with honey, than you can with vinegar". I think women these days are so concerned with "getting a boyfriend" or "getting a husband", that they are willing to do anything, put up with anything, in order to be validated with a man's love and attention.
I think there is something to be said about old-fashioned values. The days where men had great manners and the ladies were ladies. Ladies in waiting, if you will. If women could just be patient and happy with themselves or their friends, then they would be able to regain their power. It is when we lower our standards and except "crumbs" that we are teaching men how to treat us. We are telling them that we don't value ourselves as much as we value them. And why, why would any woman do that? Fear of being alone, fear of being unloved or just low self esteem. I can't tell you how many women today suffer horribly from low self-esteem. And unfortunately, they will pass it on to their children, then their children and so on.
If women only realized how men see them. They see them as goddesses. They see them as an almost mythical creature, that they spend every waking moment trying to figure out how to capture one for their very own. And if women played their cards right...and I don't mean game playing. I mean, if women would just realize that not being so available would not only make the men value them more, but, it would also help build their own self esteem and ultimately help them regain their power as a woman, then we would be teaching men how we really want to be treated.
I have been having discussions lately with men and women on the subject of....."How does a man approach a woman in a social setting?" "Or why doesn't a man approach a woman in a social setting?"
You always hear beautiful women on T.V. say "I can't get a date." and "Men are just too afraid to approach me." I really find it extremely hard to believe, that if Cindy Crawford or Heidi Klum were in a bar and not famous..that most men wouldn't be chatting them up right and left and asking them out.
I'm not sure if I believe in this "he's too imtimidated" thing. I do believe that many men when they see an attractive woman may not approach her because they think she might be in a relationship...but, again, I say..if she were Heidi Klum..he'd give it a shot anyway.
But, what to do if you are not Heidi Klum or Cindy Crawford? Well, it seems the easiest way to convey interest to a man from across the room (without, you approaching the man) is to make eye contact....real and direct eye contact, for what might seem like an eternity (about 5 or 10 secs) and give him a smile. The tactic that I have used for years is to smile and chat with the other guy, that I'm not interested in...and you know what always happens...that is the guy, that will end up asking me out. Why, because I smiled and made eye contact with him, the guy I wasn't interested in. So, clearly the tactic that I have been using to get the cute guy I like, to ask me out..doesn't work. But, it does, if you want to go out with his unattractive friend. Just go after what you want.
I mean really, what have you got to lose? Who cares if he thinks you are staring at him...you are! He will either be a man and approach you or he won't, it's as simle as that. Now, what do you have to lose by not making eye contact and giving him a signal that you are available and interested? Well, how about a possible date with a cute guy, for starters. And men..are you really intimidated or just not interested enough to take action?
I agree with the adage that says: It's better to act and to regret / Than to regret not to have acted. - Mellin de Saint-Gelais
It is a brand new year and if you are like the majority of people in Los Angeles, then you are single. Is this by choice? Or is it because the women you are interested in, only see you as a friend? If the women you are attracted to, seem to always see you as a friend, then clearly you are doing something wrong.
Here are some simple things you can do to take charge and stop that from happening again!
You have to establish your intentions from the beginning. You're not going to say it with your words, you're going to say it with your actions.
Step 1. First and foremost, you have to have confidence.
Step 2. Don't take the passive approach. Come up with creative and fun things to do---be original, call her up and ask her out.
Step 3. Always pick her up.
Step 4. Never let her pay
Step 5. Always walk her to her door
Step 6. Open all doors for her and let her go first
All of the above steps are a great start...but, just having great manners isn't enough. She has to see you in a romantic way...so you have to be romantic and cross that "friendship" line.
Here are some ways to do that:
Holding hands: Take the initiative and take her hand when the two of you are crossing a street or walking to the car at the end of the night.
Flirting: whisper in her ear..."you look beautiful"..or when you're not with her send her a flirty text...."just thinking about how hot you looked the other night...can't wait to see you again"
By taking all of these steps you are sending her the message that you are in charge, that you care about her well being and that you see her in a sexual way. She will respect you as a man and you will definitely get her attention, she will see you as a "date" not just as a "friend".
Good Luck and Happy New Year!
How to avoid game playing from the beginning.
If you are on a first or second date, and you think you might be interested in seeing this person again, I suggest paying attention to signals or conversation that perhaps your date has given about things they would like to do in the future. For example, if she's mentioned the new art exhibit that she wants to see...or a new restaurant that sounds interesting....then at the end of the date you should suggest checking it out for next time. If she says yes, then follow up by saying you'll call mid week to figure out a plan. This let's both of you know that you'll being seeing each other again soon. Then make sure you call on the day you are supposed to....and no sooner. I think that calling the day after is nice, but not necessary on the first or second date. In fact, sometimes it can feel like too much to soon.
If you've said at the end of the date that you'll call mid week, then call mid week—leave it at that.
Always walk her to her car and wait until she drives off
If she has her car in valet...you will score BIG bonus points if you walk her to the valet and pay the valet for her parking, she can tip.
Open doors for her and let her always go first
If she offers to pay or chip in....ALWAYS say no
Never answer your phone when on a date
Don't try too hard
Don't try to be funny
And genuinely be interested in what she has to say
These are my opinion's based on my personal experience over the years. But, it seems I'm not alone in my opinion.
Just as I was getting ready to post my "do's and don'ts" on my blog, I came across an article on yahoo.
I've posted it below. I really agree with the part about communication. in fact, I agree with it all. Enjoy this iinteresting and helpful article.
From Yahoo.com homepage 12-9-2007
Andrea Syrtash gets the scoop from daters -- females and males -- about the top mistakes men make when they're dating. See how to avoid those mistakes
How many times have you gone on what you thought was an amazing date only to find that the person never calls back or doesn't seem interested when you try to book another date?
Dating can be awkward, and everyone makes mistakes. Of course, there are some instances in which the person you like doesn't follow up and it has nothing to do with you (e.g,. an ex comes back into her life...don't you love that?). But often it's simple things we do (or don't do) that prevent us from making a connection.
During the past few years, I've interviewed hundreds of daters and asked them what they were looking for, and it's amazing to hear the same themes. Women have certainly complained to me about the biggest mistakes they feel that men make in dating, so I thought I'd share the secrets. (Don't worry -- I have plenty of material on the mistakes women make, but that's for a future installment.)
Top Five Dating Mistakes That Men Make
1. Men Show Off or Try to Impress Too Much. Don't offer your resume, your earning potential, and tell us how you'll change our lives the first time we meet you. Instead of talking about yourself the whole night, ask questions! Don't come on too strong right away. Let us figure out if we want to be with you, instead of telling us we do.
2. Men Don't Listen to Us When We're Talking. We notice if you stop listening to us, if you ask us questions we just answered, or if you keep interrupting us when we're opening up. This drives most women nuts! Unless you're on call, don't check your Blackberry at dinner and don't check out other women. Focus on the woman across the table from you and listen to what she has to say.
3. Men Aren't Chivalrous. The lines here are not always clear. We want you to treat us like equals, but we also want you to treat us like women. It's nice when a man picks up the tab or makes sure his date gets home safely. It may be old-fashioned, but a number of women report that dating a gentleman matters.
4. Men Don't Take Initiative. Men, how many times have you caught yourself saying, "I don't know" or "Whatever you'd like" when planning a date? If you've asked a woman out, a better approach is to give a few fun and creative date options and ask her to pick one.
Initiative doesn't mean ordering for a woman at a restaurant or ordering a woman around! It does mean confidently approaching your date with ideas, passion and interest. It also means you can be flirty and forward, letting her know how amazing you think she looks or how much you want to kiss her.
5. Men Say They'll Call and Then Don't. It's no surprise that acting like you're going to follow up when you're not bothers most women (and never underestimate the way word travels about you not keeping your word!). Better to end a date by saying, "It was nice to meet you. Have a good night." Don't act like you're going to follow up if you're not. If you've gone out more than a few times, be honest that while you enjoy your date's company, you don't feel a romantic connection.
Just remember, communication is usually the way to go with a woman.
There are always exceptions, so I don't believe there are absolute rights and wrongs in dating -- but there are strategies. If you follow these simple steps, you'll be ahead in the dating game. At least you'll get an 'A' for effort.