Whether you are a guy or a girl, if you are single these days (and for a few, even if you aren’t) everyone seems to be using the dating apps. Therefore, I call it the Wild Wild West of dating.
First let’s focus on the positive. I LOVE that we are so fortunate these days that we have so many resources when it comes to looking for love: friends, matchmakers, private matchmaking, social media, dating sites and dating apps. That is a really GREAT thing. But with so many options comes the overwhelming task of choosing the right person among the sea of EVERYONE. The masses!
But that’s where the dating apps make the process confusing and exhausting because there really is no screening or vetting or even proper matching. It’s just everybody and anybody—even IF a few of the apps have a specific niche, like the League or Raya, it’s hardly a proper matching process. Take for example—on the League they say there are some sort of qualifiers (what are they really?) and on Raya, you just really have to be cool or popular enough to be on the app. But as far as “really” knowing or vetting or matching … good luck!
With just a bunch of faces and limited info, it’s the super highway of dating. People whip by and another is right behind them on your screen. One after one after one. More, more, more, more, more. But who ARE these people? Let’s face it, most people make themselves sound MUCH better than they are. They lie about their height, the weight, their age, their life style and even their interests. I love sailing and riding horses. Ok—when was that? Summer camp when you were 10?
The advice I give people is: in the limited space you have be SPECIFIC and qualify HARD. By that, I mean, purposely weed out those who are NOT what you are looking for. And don’t worry about sounding like an A-hole, this is the only way to cut through the clutter.
So, in the limited space you are given—list the most important things about you and about who you’d like to meet.
Jewish, Dog lover, wine lover, entrepreneur—want kids
Smart, successful, quirky, Jewish, tall, wants kids
I am: playful, sexy, honest to a fault, sober, atheist, love French jazz and architecture
You: college educated, home owner, world traveler, liberal, spontaneous, no games. no kids, don’t want.
So—you have just weeded through the noise. You made it clear what’s important to you and who you are looking for. And to those who say—mentioning about kids or religion or money will scare them off—I say GOOD. That’s the point—if you want something—the only way to get it is by being upfront and clear. And if it turns someone off—even better, because they are clearing the path for the right person for you.
Also remember, the more your photos truly show who you are what you look like and gives an actual glimpse into your lifestyle, combined with the info you post—-the better your chances are of finding someone and standing out on the dating apps. But, make sure your photos are honest. If you find yourself getting a lot of first dates, but rarely a second, I can PROMISE you, it’s because your photos did not represent you accurately. In spite of what your friends might tell you.
Ok—so now, you’ve gotten right swipes. Now what? Well, if you are on Bumble and are a woman, I say wait and do nothing. What? Yes, this is yet another filer to put in place. IF that guy who swiped right on you, is REALLY interested, then he will also use that feature that makes a guy take an extra step to show real interest—and he will “extend” the 24 hour window that you initially have to reach out to him. And if a guy doesn’t use that feature—then he wasn’t that into you in the first place. And men—if YOU want to stand out—USE that feature to extend the window of time to connect. It will help you get noticed.
So, he’s extended the time to connect—great sign. Now, you need to reach out to him (again, right now I’m referring to connections made on Bumble). You can go one of two ways on this—give him nothing more than a “Hi!” which is a little lame considering he did make an effort to extend the initial outreach. So, be cool and be nice and express some interest by mentioning something that he has in his profile. Now, if he didn’t write anything—then I don’t know why you swiped right on him at all. Again, it’s all about smart dating choices and pre-qualifying appropriate candidates. And in my opinion a man or woman who doesn’t write anything or very very little, is either very boring OR isn’t willing to make much effort out of the gate and probably won’t ever make much effort. If you on on the dating apps to truly make a real love connection—take the time to share what is important about you and what is important about who you are looking to meet.
All right—you sent a good opener and now he has responded. Great. Hopefully there is a good initial back and forth here. No boring—HI! Or How is your weekend? Noooooo, come on—step up your game.
How about something like this:
(girl) Hi—thanks for extending the connection time. So, you live in Culver City—ever go to……. Or I see you like to sail—so do I! Haven’t been in awhile, but it so fun.
(guy) Yes, sailing is one of my passions as well as ________ (tell her more about you but still keep it brief—but women like a man that seems fun and has cool interests) then circle back to her. Your dog is cute (if she has a pic of her dog) or compliment her one of her photos—ladies love that. The goal here is to make a small bit of interesting shit chat—one or two messages. Then either you as the girl or you as the guy should just cut to the chase and say—would love to meet you for a drink or coffee next week. Let me know if you’d like to chat on the phone and we can make a plan. BOOM—cut to the chase. Then they are either in or out. DO NOT let it drag on. If you are the girl who has put it out there and he tries to drag it out more and wants to just send messages back and forth—shut it down! Politely though, just stick to your guns and say: Hey, not on here a lot—so just give me a call and we can chat. Now if you are the guy—and it is the girl who is dragging her feet, I would give it maybe roll with her pace a bit more, but not for too long. She might be nervous and might need to chat via app messenger more to gauge interest. So, put it out there and see what she says. If she mentions something that she likes to do or you can even ask—what restaurants she likes or hobbies etc, then a bit more small talk about that and BOOM—whatever place she said she likes to go to or hobbies she likes—suggest doing THAT. BUT only after you get on a call with her so you both can decide if it’s worth meeting. You’ll know after a short call. If it feels right, then make the date and go! You have now just brought your A game to the competitive sport of SWIPING.