I often (too often) get emails from women who have been in relationships w “bad guys” (manipulators, opportunists, jerks—i.e., ”bad guys”) —or are still currently dating those “bad guys” and are confused, sad and not sure what to do next.
Those types of dysfunctional relationships gobble you up so quickly—and in the blink of an eye you, ask yourself how did I get here? How do I get out? Does he care about me? Sometimes women who come to me for advice, are even confused about whether or not they are also in a relationship or not.
Ok— so here’s the great thing about guys that aren’t good guys— once you know what to look for, you can spot him almost immediately, before he gets a chance to get into your head (which is worse than getting into your pants). All of these guys operate primarily out of the same playbook. So from now on, when you recognize his “moves”, you ’ll start to laugh at how cliché these guys are and how everything they say and do is absolutely textbook and predictable.
Once you recognize this guy, (even though you WILL be attracted to him) and identify the patterns of his behavior— you can hit the brakes and leave without any doubts because all of these guys operate the same way —so there’s never a reason for you to doubt whether it’s you or him. IT’S HIM!
Now let me tell you how to spot “him.”
First of all, unfortunately, guys that aren’t great guys are usually adorable guys or charming guys. Now before you lose your mind with that piece of information, I will say, not every cute guy is a bad guy. Of course not! But I will also say, most charming guys usually are.
Here’s the thing I’ve never met an unattractive guy or an average guy that was one of these “bad guys” -why? Because a guy with average looks, couldn’t get away with it.
So early on these guys, figured out they had power over women. And rather than becoming a great guy or a great man, for whatever reason, they took the low road. Maybe this guy lacks ambition or motivation, or he may just be psychologically damaged— but somewhere along the line, this guy discovered because he was cute, that gave them an opportunity to manipulate women to his advantage.
So the patterns usually go like this:
You meet him, and he seems charming initially. He appears great!! (that won’t last long)
Sooner rather than later the text exchanges or communication the two of you have has up until now, starts to make you question things. But you ignore it.
A classic and predictable move early on is “the big pouty baby” where he will act like you hurt HIS feelings (a lot). And he might even tell you that you’re mean to him. This routine is a classic tactic so that he appears sensitive and in turn, he makes you out to be the person who is the bad guy. You start apologizing and trying even harder to be “nice to him to “please him.” But, what’s happening here is, he’s grooming you so that he makes you think he’s the victim when it’s the other way around.
And at some point he will slide some insults at you maybe in a joking way, but that how he plants the seeds. He’ll say things like: you’re crazy you’re needy, you’re not kind enough, or he may point out something on your face or your body in an attempt to make you feel insecure.
At first, his comments will come off as totally casual. But it is a calculated move on his part.
For example, if he does say something like “you’re crazy” or “weird” etc., the truth of the matter is, only a guy who is crazy or weird would stay with a girl who is crazy and weird. Right? Because a good guy, a healthy guy, a sane guy, wouldn’t bother pointing it out- he would stop dating you. But a guy that’s not a good guy will stick it out longer because he wants to find a woman who he can psychologically manipulate. That is his goal, and once he’s in your head, it will be tough to get him out.
But there is more good news about these “bad guys” —the older they get, the fewer options they have (his looks won’t last forever). Because usually in most cases, not all, but in most cases, this is the guy who’s done nothing with his life. He’s usually lived off his looks, and usually, women are the ones that foot the bill. He might start out paying for things here and there to appear to be a good guy—but trust me his end game is that you’re going to improve the quality of his life in some way. He almost always looks for women who have more than he does — someone who can make his life better. You don’t have to be rich—no, not at all. You have to have a little bit more than he does or something to offer that he needs. So, this guy usually would never date a woman that he would need to help. He is not in it to HELP anyone. ***I will say—there is an exception here** There are guys who are rich and look to manipulate women who do need help and have less than them. That’s true. So—the textbook behavior of all of these “bad guys” will be the same, so you’ll still be able red flags when you see them.
Now, if you’re in your 20s and you come across this type of guy that I described above—this kind of guy probably wants to control you and isn’t in it for the money or opportunity. Other than the chance to be with someone naïve who he can control. But he is still not a good guy.
On the other hand, if you’re into your 30s, 40s or more— you have to be careful because there are a lot of these “bad guys” who are on the hunt for women who have more than they have. It’s how they live. They usually go from one woman to the next— He’s not going to make it easy for you to figure out, so you have to read between the lines and you have to ask questions.
Here’s more to look out for:
Does he mention taking expensive trips but doesn’t seem to have a job that would pay for it?
Does he jokingly mention you buying something for him?
Or indeed doesn’t seem to care about asking questions about you?
The more you get to know him, does he seem less interested in having healthy clear communication?
Or does it seem he’s trying to lay it on thick and rush you into a relationship? A lot of times these guys are their most charming in the beginning so that they can rush you into a relationship and their bed because once that happens, he knows you put on the rose-colored glasses that keeps you from seeing the real them.
A good guy would never rush you into bed
A good guy would never joke about you buying something for him
A good guy would never tell you that you’re crazy, psycho or point out things that are wrong with you
A good guy wants you to be your best self
A bad guy wants you to be weak and easily manipulated.
So as soon as you spot the first sign, pay attention to it. When you notice the second sign, take a step back and if there’s a third sign get the hell out of there as fast as you can. These guys are addicting, and they know the power they wield. So no matter what he looks like, no matter how charming he is— hit the brakes!
These guys will always be super cute and super charming and great at the game.❤
But now you have a page from their playbook!